Friday, December 21, 2012

Yes, I Will Tell My Story

I am fighting against it, but there it is, right in front of me. Nothing will change now. For the rest of my life it will be a part of my story.

I admire mommy bloggers. Their spunk, their humor, their creative way at looking at things never fail to amuse and inspire me. I wanted to be like them. To have all my kiddos here, doing creative and amusing things, helping me with my Pinterest-inspired DIY life, clipping coupons and saving thousands of dollars every month, and having a killer body. That is what a "real" mommy blogger does.

But me?


First off, I don't have a killer body. Never have, never will. I'm not built like a movie star. Period. But that's ok. John loves me just the way I am. And you know what? He likes me, too!

Clipping coupons is for the birds. We tried it and ended up with a pantry full of cereal we didn't even like.

Pinterest is wonderful, for the crafty-minded, handy with a hammer and paint brush and needle and glitter and glue gun and awesome fabric mom. That's not me. (Ok, I can rock the glitter!) I can do simple things, but my house will never have a river of awesome river rocks separating the carpet from the wood flooring. Unless, of course, some other crafty mommy blogger comes and does it for me!

I have grief in my life that I deal with hourly. I am missing three of my children. This will never be erased, will never go away. Loss now defines me. But loss will not beat me. I will meet it head on. I will face it again and again. I will cry and laugh in the same breath. I will accept the new me, will embrace my story. But I will never be one of those moms who cruise along, happy and secure in their family. I know too well what can happen.

So now what? Do I quit writing? Do I bury my story?


I will write.

I will write about my life.

I will write about loving Henry and enjoying every minute I have with him.

I will write about things we will never have a chance to share with Avery.

I may not want to write about grief, but it is part of my story and I can't change it.

I'll never be a perfect mommy, but I am a mommy. Nothing can change that.

I am also a writer, and nothing can change that.

Unless, of course, the world will end today after all!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

On Mommyhood

So the bond, closeness, between mother and child is not by law, not by religious teaching, but by nature.
~ Dali Lama

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The First Post...

I always thought the first post should be a momentous thing, filled with flowery language and a sense of purpose. A compass, if you will, of the direction the blog would take you.

But now that I find myself sitting in front of the computer, writing my very first post on my very first blog, I find that it is entirely different than what I anticipated. Instead of a sense of direction, I find that I am confused. Instead of flowery language, I find that, due to the late(ish) hour, I have trouble spelling the simplest words.

No, this first blog post is not noteworthy.

But it is momentous. For it brings promise. Promise of laughs, tears, excitement, and even disappointment. Rather like life, isn't it? For after all, what I intend to accomplish on this blog is chronicle life. My life. Our lives.

So come along, my friends, on what I can promise you will be a crazy ride.

And now I must go and feed my baby, for a baby does not care about momentous blog posts. A baby just wants to be fed.