Unexpected: An Update on Henry and a Pouring out of my Heart

Sunday morning Henry woke up with a fever. No big deal. By Tuesday, however, his fever had risen higher and we decided to take him to the doctor. As recommended by our specialist at Vanderbilt in Nashville, Henry had a blood test to check his cell levels. They were just below the "safe" range, so we took him to Children's Hospital here in St. Louis to have him monitored.

We were hopeful that his cell levels would rise but they have not. He has no other symptoms and his other numbers look good, but still...

Now we are sitting in the hospital, waiting. Waiting for his neutrophil levels to rise; waiting for the signs that what is going on is a virus. That next week everything is normal and we will be on our way home.

Waiting to wake up from a potential nightmare.

The last time we were in the hospital we came home with empty arms. My soul is crushed as my feelings tell me this is what is going to happen again, but my mind tells me to wait, wait and see. Henry is in good hands and I feel confident that the doctors here are doing their utmost to help Henry.

But I am still scared.

Frightened.

Confused.

I have had so much pain in the last four years my very being recoils from enduring any more.

This is not how it's supposed to be.

But this is the way it is.

I'm breathing.

I am taking one step at a time.

I am clinging to the fact that Henry is not sick the way Avery was.

He is eating, sleeping, producing plenty of diapers, playing with toys, getting in to everything, hamming it up for the medical personal (they are in love with him, but then again, who isn't?), and being generally cute and trouble, all at the same time.

I want this life.

I want to be a mommy.

I want to be Henry's mommy.

I want to take him home and love on him there.

I want him.

Thoughts go through my head, some good, some dark. I know that Jesus knows what is going on and that comforts me. But I am having a hard time being patient while Jesus works through this situation.

Pray for Henry, and if you are not a praying person, think of him and send him warm, positive thoughts. Pray that we can keep him, that we can all go home and be together, us three and the kitties.

Thank you.