Friday, July 12, 2013

Unexpected: An Update on Henry and a Pouring out of my Heart

Sunday morning Henry woke up with a fever. No big deal. By Tuesday, however, his fever had risen higher and we decided to take him to the doctor. As recommended by our specialist at Vanderbilt in Nashville, Henry had a blood test to check his cell levels. They were just below the "safe" range, so we took him to Children's Hospital here in St. Louis to have him monitored.

We were hopeful that his cell levels would rise but they have not. He has no other symptoms and his other numbers look good, but still...

Now we are sitting in the hospital, waiting. Waiting for his neutrophil levels to rise; waiting for the signs that what is going on is a virus. That next week everything is normal and we will be on our way home.

Waiting to wake up from a potential nightmare.

The last time we were in the hospital we came home with empty arms. My soul is crushed as my feelings tell me this is what is going to happen again, but my mind tells me to wait, wait and see. Henry is in good hands and I feel confident that the doctors here are doing their utmost to help Henry.

But I am still scared.



I have had so much pain in the last four years my very being recoils from enduring any more.

This is not how it's supposed to be.

But this is the way it is.

I'm breathing.

I am taking one step at a time.

I am clinging to the fact that Henry is not sick the way Avery was.

He is eating, sleeping, producing plenty of diapers, playing with toys, getting in to everything, hamming it up for the medical personal (they are in love with him, but then again, who isn't?), and being generally cute and trouble, all at the same time.

I want this life.

I want to be a mommy.

I want to be Henry's mommy.

I want to take him home and love on him there.

I want him.

Thoughts go through my head, some good, some dark. I know that Jesus knows what is going on and that comforts me. But I am having a hard time being patient while Jesus works through this situation.

Pray for Henry, and if you are not a praying person, think of him and send him warm, positive thoughts. Pray that we can keep him, that we can all go home and be together, us three and the kitties.

Thank you.


  1. Hello Audra,

    Thinking of Henry and sending warm thoughts your way that everything will be okay.

  2. I love you. I hear you. I wish I could fix this. Right now. Can't. Know Someone who can. He will. Love, happy thoughts, & prayers from Nashville. :)

  3. Audra, I know you know our situation having lost Meagan. Nathan even came four years after her. Even with all that time, I wasn't fully able to heal fully. Every time Nathan was sick in the first year and a half of his life, I panicked, and we weren't ever in the hospital. I have cried out my heart to a friend and told her it is hard for me to trust God when He has taken a little one from me, and I only had eight days to love her. You had Avery for a year and a half.

    You are walking a hard road which God has chosen for you, no matter how much you wish it was someone else. He LOVES you. Remember in everything HE LOVES YOU! He wants good for you! He wants what's best for you because He LOVES you, whether or not you feel loved at that moment.

    When I heard about Henry, I sat down and cried. My heart breaks for you and for what your family is going through. Know that we will constantly be lifting you up in prayers. I know we don't interact much, but you are in my heart all the time. I just never want to remind you of what you lost having lost a little one myself, but please know that I am ALWAYS here for anything if you ever want to talk or need someone who understands in that terrible way that not everyone does - and even I don't understand fully.

    How do you trust a God who has taken so much away? I'm learning. When you are able, I have a book that I want to give you, from one mama who has one in heaven to another.


  4. Oh, I think I know exactly how you feel- our rainbow baby had to be hospitalized for RSV when she was three months old. Scariest thing ever. Those memories of having to leave the hospital without a baby were so pervasive.

    I hope that everything is alright with little Henry. My prayers are with you and your family.


  5. Praying, Audra. Been thinking of you all day.I sure hope everything will be okay. Keep going, Henry! Keep being yourself and blessing everybody. May Jesus quickly heal him completely!
    Sending many hugs and thoughts and prayers your way.

    Love, Rebecca

  6. Praying for your sweet Henry, Thanks for being honest about your feelings. I will be lifting you up to the Lord as well.
    In Christ,

  7. Praying for your family, Audra. May Jesus bring both Henry and you healing and comfort.


  8. Praying for Henry and for you and trusting that joyous days are right around the corner!!

  9. Definitely praying. Praying most of all that God would give Henry a very very long life here on earth, and be so highly glorified in that life.

    I love you all so much, and just cringe for you all being in the hospital. Flashbacks are unbearable when you just can't leave.

    Much love and prayers always,
    ~ Jemmie

  10. I know I'm not the best person to help you stay strong because my stomach is flipping just reading this. BUT know that we WILL be praying for you and Henry. Psalm 4:1 "Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer." I'm so thankful our Yeshua is faithful to hear us and gives us peace that only He can give. Keep us updated please.

  11. I'm praying and praying, Audra, and I know God is hearing all the prayers being prayed by so many who love you and John and Henry so much. I really, really wish you guys weren't in the hospital right now. I am so very sorry that you are. I know it has got to be so hard. May you feel our Daddy in heaven wrap His arms around you real tight. I love you.

  12. I'm a stranger just checking in to say I'm praying for you and Henry.

    1. Erica, thank you for your prayers. In case you have not seen my update, Henry is home and is doing well.