I am fighting against it, but there it is, right in front of me. Nothing will change now. For the rest of my life it will be a part of my story.
I admire mommy bloggers. Their spunk, their humor, their creative way at looking at things never fail to amuse and inspire me. I wanted to be like them. To have all my kiddos here, doing creative and amusing things, helping me with my Pinterest-inspired DIY life, clipping coupons and saving thousands of dollars every month, and having a killer body. That is what a "real" mommy blogger does.
But me?
Nope.
First off, I don't have a killer body. Never have, never will. I'm not built like a movie star. Period. But that's ok. John loves me just the way I am. And you know what? He likes me, too!
Clipping coupons is for the birds. We tried it and ended up with a pantry full of cereal we didn't even like.
Pinterest is wonderful, for the crafty-minded, handy with a hammer and paint brush and needle and glitter and glue gun and awesome fabric mom. That's not me. (Ok, I can rock the glitter!) I can do simple things, but my house will never have a river of awesome river rocks separating the carpet from the wood flooring. Unless, of course, some other crafty mommy blogger comes and does it for me!
I have grief in my life that I deal with hourly. I am missing three of my children. This will never be erased, will never go away. Loss now defines me. But loss will not beat me. I will meet it head on. I will face it again and again. I will cry and laugh in the same breath. I will accept the new me, will embrace my story. But I will never be one of those moms who cruise along, happy and secure in their family. I know too well what can happen.
So now what? Do I quit writing? Do I bury my story?
No.
I will write.
I will write about my life.
I will write about loving Henry and enjoying every minute I have with him.
I will write about things we will never have a chance to share with Avery.
I may not want to write about grief, but it is part of my story and I can't change it.
I'll never be a perfect mommy, but I am a mommy. Nothing can change that.
I am also a writer, and nothing can change that.
Unless, of course, the world will end today after all!
This is beautiful! You're a fantastic mommy, too :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm trying to be the best mommy I can be. It's not easy but it's worth it!
DeleteI love you, Audra! Keep on writing...I will be here to read and love every word...
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. :)
DeleteAudra, you an amazing, inspiring woman and the Lord is doing a mighty work through you. I am not afraid to stand with you through this pain. I love you, friend.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, Audra. And John too. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Avery. Love you so much!!!
ReplyDeleteWe love you too, JM!
DeleteGuess what? I find myself anxiously awaiting your next blog post, w/ each one I read. Guess what else? I think your hubby did a smashing job of updating your blog page's look. Hug him for that! Guess what else, else? You inspired me to get off my substantial duff, & finally do something w/ my own blog, proving that you can, in fact, motivate this old dog to do new tricks. Know what you don't have to guess? I love you & count myself blessed to call you friend.
ReplyDeleteHe did do a great job, didn't he? I am so proud of him!
DeleteAnd I'm proud of you, too for getting back in to writing. :)
Audra, do you know how MANY people YOU have inspired and encouraged through Avery's loss? I had two losses (miscarriages at 8 and 13 weeks) and wasn't sure I'd ever survive the grief. Years later, I hear of YOUR tragedy and can't even begin to IMAGINE how you navigate each day of your life. I sit here thinking, "It doesn't even MATTER if I can do P90X for a full three months, if I have a second stripe on my black belt, of if people even think I'm funny ... Cuz I know I CAN'T do what Audra did!!" To this day, when I find myself tempted to dwell on my issues, I often reflect back to what YOU overcame (and are STILL overcoming, I'm sure) and it gives me strength to face my *stuff*.
ReplyDeleteI never had the opportunity to meet Avery, but loved seeing his lil cherub face on FB. It's sad to know his light no longer graces his earthly home .... but Wow! What it will be like to have him introduce you to the King at Heaven's gate!