I am fighting against it, but there it is, right in front of me. Nothing will change now. For the rest of my life it will be a part of my story.
I admire mommy bloggers. Their spunk, their humor, their creative way at looking at things never fail to amuse and inspire me. I wanted to be like them. To have all my kiddos here, doing creative and amusing things, helping me with my Pinterest-inspired DIY life, clipping coupons and saving thousands of dollars every month, and having a killer body. That is what a "real" mommy blogger does.
First off, I don't have a killer body. Never have, never will. I'm not built like a movie star. Period. But that's ok. John loves me just the way I am. And you know what? He likes me, too!
Clipping coupons is for the birds. We tried it and ended up with a pantry full of cereal we didn't even like.
Pinterest is wonderful, for the crafty-minded, handy with a hammer and paint brush and needle and glitter and glue gun and awesome fabric mom. That's not me. (Ok, I can rock the glitter!) I can do simple things, but my house will never have a river of awesome river rocks separating the carpet from the wood flooring. Unless, of course, some other crafty mommy blogger comes and does it for me!
I have grief in my life that I deal with hourly. I am missing three of my children. This will never be erased, will never go away. Loss now defines me. But loss will not beat me. I will meet it head on. I will face it again and again. I will cry and laugh in the same breath. I will accept the new me, will embrace my story. But I will never be one of those moms who cruise along, happy and secure in their family. I know too well what can happen.
So now what? Do I quit writing? Do I bury my story?
I will write.
I will write about my life.
I will write about loving Henry and enjoying every minute I have with him.
I will write about things we will never have a chance to share with Avery.
I may not want to write about grief, but it is part of my story and I can't change it.
I'll never be a perfect mommy, but I am a mommy. Nothing can change that.
I am also a writer, and nothing can change that.
Unless, of course, the world will end today after all!