Friday, April 26, 2013

Dear Pregnant Mom...A Rant

Dear Pregnant Mom,

I get it. Pregnancy sucks. You feel icky, tired, sick, swollen, you can't sleep, your back aches, and on and on. You wish the whole ordeal were over. But really? Are you that miserable that you have to make every Facebook status update one in which you complain?

I understand that Facebook is an outlet for emotions and maybe you feel that you get some support by constantly complaining, but just for a moment, stop and think. How does this look to others? If I stop by your page and I see multiple status updates on how miserable you are, that is going to tell me that you don't want to be pregnant, that you don't want this baby.

You may want your baby, and probably want this baby very badly (for the rest of the post I am going to assume that you do), but your words convey something very different. Look at these "status updates" and see how you think about the person:

"Ugh! This is horrible...I can't sleep. #ihatebeingpregnant"

"Oh yay. Another loooong morning at the dr. Can't wait for this whole thing to be over."

"Sick and tired. #pregnancy #nofun #iwishitwereover"

"My back hurts, my feet hurts, I'm tired and I don't feel like cooking much less eating. I'm so over this."

"Only a few more weeks of misery. #pregnancyishorrible"

"Stretch marks are soooo ugly. I hate them."

All of these updates could have been written by someone who is excited about their child, but you would never know it.

As a parent who has had several losses, reading status like these sadden me. Children are a gift and when I see updates like the above in my feed, it makes me wonder if you are really treasuring what you have been given. I feel that maybe you don't deserve this, that I should have the same opportunity because at least I would be happy about my baby. I'm not being mean spirited, I'm being honest. When I see stuff like this, it makes me angry and sad.

So maybe before you hit that "post" button, think about what message you are conveying. Are you glad you are pregnant? Let us know. If others can't have their own little ones to love and cherish, they at least want to know that some other mommy is happy and will love and cherish her baby.

If you don't stop complaining, I will hide you. Sometimes the pain is just too much.

A Mom

PS: The status updates are fake but I have seen too many complaining updates to know that they can be all too real. If you have posted one of the above to your Facebook page, you may need to re-think your actions.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Downton Abbey and Suffering

It's no secret. I love "Downton Abbey." I own all the seasons and can beat any "Downton Abbey" trivia game. I love how the story follows one family and their household through so many of life's ups and downs. The writers have made the characters real and very human, unlike many other shows and movies that make the characters out to be perfect.

Last night I was watching the last episode of the first season. In this episode, Lord and Lady Grantham discover that they are expecting child #4, then lose the baby, a boy, in a tragic accident.

In the episode, the couple were expected by society to just move on with their lives and not grieve because in the eyes of others, since no one saw the baby it did not really matter.

If got me thinking how far society has come in recognizing grief, and how far we still have to go. In 1914, women were supposed to carry on with their social lives, be subjected to talk of how they really should get over it, and how they should move on. I don't think that people meant to be insensitive, but they were, and it hurt.

Now, in 2013, almost a hundred years later, people have become more accepting of grief over a loss, but we still have a long way to go. Especially in the situation of miscarriage or early still birth, people still expect us to move on, get over it, and carry on with our social lives.

So please, if you know someone who has suffered loss, be kind and patient. Loss is devastating and it can take some people a very long time to recover.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Today's Thoughts on Yesterday

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the air was warmer (no flip flops yet), and Henry and John were by my side.

There are days when I am consumed with thoughts of what I had and lost, but yesterday was not one of those days.

Instead, I was consumed with thoughts of what I had. I was content with my little family here on earth. At the end of the day I realized that I had not thought about Avery. I did not forget him, because he is always in my heart, but I never once said, "Man, I sure wish Avery were here."

At first, this made me sad, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was good. 

John needs a wife who is not so consumed with the past that she cannot live in the future.

Henry needs a mommy who is fully there for him, tuned to his needs and able to give the love he needs to grow.

Avery needs me to be a wife and mommy, so I can help us all get safely to Heaven to see him again. He needs me to pour all the love and attention that would have gone to him onto Henry. 

I need me, too. It's not healthy for me to sit around all day and pine for what I don't have. There are going to be days when I do just that, and it's ok. But to live my life in misery and pain will never help me move on, will never help me accept my new reality.

Yesterday was a good day. Today is a good day. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a good day, too.