Happy Sad

Sometimes I am happy.

And then I am sad because I am happy.

And then I am happy because I have something to be sad about.

And then I am sad because I have lost.

And then I am happy because I had.

And then I am sad because he is gone.

And then I am happy because I had him for so long.

And then I am sad because I only had him a short time.

And then I am happy because I will see him someday.

And then I am sad because I don't want to wait.

And then I am happy because in the whole scope of eternity, I don't have to wait long.

Step By Step

Often, when I tell someone our story, they will look at me, shake their head and say, "I could never go through what you went through. You are strong." Or, they will tell me that I am a hero.

The thing is, I'm not strong. I did not chose to go through our trials to prove my strength, to help me grow, to stretch me. I went through what I went through because I was forced.

I had no choice to spend time in Vanderbilt Children's hospital watching my baby fight for his life.

I had no choice to let him go.

I had no choice to drive the hour-long ride home with an empty car seat in the back, knowing there was no one home to greet me.

So no. I am not strong.

I am a woman who cries at night for her babies.

I am a mommy who has lost three of her four children.

I am someone who has been to very dark places.

I am weak.

I keep going not because I have some superhuman strength, but because I must.

It may sound cliche, but I mean every word when I say that it is only through God's strength that I am able to get up in the morning and keep going. The prayers of many have carried me through the darkest hours of my life, and they continue to help. I never really understood or believed in the power of prayer until last year. It was then that I could physically feel them around me, holding me up, carrying me through.

I don't have any strength on my own. I am not a hero, either.

I'm just someone who keeps putting one foot in front of the other, slowly moving through life, step by step.

What Do You Say?

A friend of mine recently lost her baby boy. She was 7 months pregnant.

I know the pain she is feeling.

I know the path she is on.

But I don't know what to say.

I want to text her and call her and hug her and cry with her but I know that nothing I can do or say can take the pain away.

I have walked the path she is on and I am at a loss for words.

I have experience in dealing with loss and grief but in the face of another's, I am speechless.

It is in these hard times that we are the most feeble, the most helpless.

These are the times when we can not rely on our own strength.

These are the times when I wish that life were different.

I will see her.

I don't know what I will say but I will be there for her, as others have been there for me.