I Am Afraid

I am afraid.

I am afraid that something will happen.

Something bad.

After all, something bad did happen.

Three times.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that I will have empty arms yet again.

That I will lose.

That I will spend sleepless nights crying.

That I will fall asleep and wake up to a nightmare.

I am afraid.

******* 

I am trying.

Trying to hope.

Trying to heal.

Trying to make sense of the senseless.

Trying to live.

I am trying.

Trying to take one step at a time.

Trying to love.

Love unreservedly.

Living as if today is the last.

I am trying.

******* 

I am afraid.

Afraid of not trying.

Afraid of not loving.

Afraid of not living.

Afraid of going to a dark place.

And so I am trying.

I can’t understand but that’s ok.

I move forward.

One step at a time.

Slowly.

Being afraid and trying anyway.